What is Codependency and How Can You Heal From It?
Written by Sarah Wright, LMFT
You may have heard the term “codependency” but many of us aren’t exactly sure what it is. In short, codependency is when you’re overly focused on other people’s needs and happiness, often to the point of neglecting your own. Maybe you find yourself saying “yes” when you really mean “no.” Perhaps you find yourself trying to fix or rescue others, even when you’re completely drained. It’s a pattern that many of us fall into, especially if we grew up in environments where our emotional needs weren’t fully met.
Traits and Characteristics of Codependency
If you’re wondering whether codependency is something you’re dealing with, here are some signs to look out for:
Low self-esteem: Constantly feeling like you’re not enough, or that something is inherently wrong with you.
People-pleasing: Saying "yes" just to keep the peace or avoid rejection, even if it comes at your own expense.
Weak boundaries: Difficulty setting limits with others, leading to burnout and resentment.
Caretaking: Always trying to solve others’ problems, often neglecting your own needs.
Difficulty identifying your emotions: You’re so focused on how others feel that your own feelings get pushed aside.
Need for control: Trying to control people or situations to feel safe or secure.
Fear of abandonment: Worrying that people will leave or reject you, often leading to unhealthy attachments.
How Codependency Develops
Codependency often has roots in childhood. Maybe you grew up in a home where emotional neglect, addiction, or mental health struggles were present. Perhaps you had to grow up fast, taking care of others or walking on eggshells to keep the peace. Over time, you learned that your worth was tied to how well you could take care of other people or avoid conflict.
Our therapist Sarah Wright, LMFT reflects on her own experience with codependency:
“In my own life, I spent years trying to “fix” myself, believing that something was fundamentally wrong with me. I turned to substances, disordered eating, compulsive exercise, and codependent romantic relationships to try to quiet the toxic shame I felt inside. That deep sense of unworthiness followed me for so long, and I was convinced that if I could just fix whatever was broken inside me, then I’d finally feel lovable and successful. But through therapy, codependency recovery, and getting really curious about my own experiences, I’ve learned that I was never the problem. And neither were my “big” emotions. I am a precious child of the universe, just like every other human being on this planet. I just got some weird ideas about my worthiness and lovability early on.
A big part of this came down to early neural wiring. Growing up, I was wired for shame—not because of anyone’s mistake or downfall in my family, but because I was highly emotional and sensitive, and that wasn’t necessarily a valued trait in my family. I believe my parents were overwhelmed with other aspects of life, and therefore were not always able to validate my emotions in childhood. So, I got the idea that being emotional was a major problem. This wiring made me feel like I had to earn love or worthiness, and it’s been a long process of unlearning that deep-rooted belief.”
Codependency and Toxic Shame
A big part of codependency is tied to toxic shame—that gnawing belief that you’re flawed, unworthy, and unlovable. It’s what drives so many of the behaviors associated with codependency, like people-pleasing and over-giving. Shame makes it hard to set boundaries or put yourself first because deep down, you’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned.
“One thing I’ve noticed, both in my own healing and working with clients, is that addiction often goes hand-in-hand with codependency. Addiction medicates the pain of shame, and codependency medicates the addiction—it’s a cycle that keeps going until you look at the shame and the behaviors feeding it.”
We know how hard it is to look at your own codependency and shame, let alone talk about it. It can be especially difficult when families or caregivers get triggered, thinking you’re blaming all your problems on them. The truth is, we’re not blaming them—we’re just getting curious about our own experiences, which is the first step in healing.
This is a process called “acknowledgement without blame.”
Healing Your Inner Child from Codependency
A huge part of healing codependency is reconnecting with your inner child—that younger part of you that learned you had to earn love by being perfect, helpful, or invisible. Inner child work involves nurturing and caring for the parts of you that were neglected, invalidated, or abandoned, helping you meet your emotional needs in a healthy way. It’s about realizing that you’re worthy of love and acceptance, exactly as you are.
Treatment for Codependency
Healing codependency isn’t something you have to do alone. Therapy can provide the space and tools to help you break free from these old patterns. Some approaches that we’ve found especially helpful include:
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): EFT focuses on healing attachment issues and building secure, healthy relationships. Our therapists have completed the EFT externship and use it to help clients transform codependent patterns in their relationships.
Inner Child Work: This is a major part of healing from codependency. By reparenting yourself and offering the love and care you didn’t receive as a child, you can start to heal those old wounds and reclaim your sense of self.
EMDR Therapy: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) helps process trauma and release emotional pain tied to early experiences of neglect or abuse. Our therapists are trained in EMDR and have seen incredible shifts in clients working through attachment wounds.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT helps identify and challenge negative thought patterns, particularly those core beliefs around unworthiness and shame that fuel codependency.
Resources to Help You Heal
If you’re ready to start healing, we highly recommend checking out Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA). CoDA offers meetings and resources to help you connect with others who are on the same journey of recovery. You can learn more about CoDA here.
If you’re looking for more reading, here are a few books that have been helpful to our clients:
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw
Co-Dependents Anonymous by CoDA (a 12-step group to recover from codependency)
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody
Ready to Start Your Journey?
Starting the journey of healing from codependency can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can offer the support, tools, and guidance to help you reclaim your sense of self and build healthier relationships. Whether it’s through EMDR, EFT, inner child work, or another approach, healing is possible.
If you’re ready to take the next step, contact us today. You deserve healing, and together, we can work toward a more peaceful, empowered version of yourself.
